Wednesday 27 August 2014

HOLY WAR AND PEACE - PART ONE

In the first of a series of posts, I will explore the spiritual nature of my psychoses and spontaneous altered states of consciousness. In following posts I will expand on things I introduce here, but for now, I hope you find this interesting....

PART ONE: *Spiritual Emergency and  Psychosis

Back To Basics


I spent an interesting few hours reading my my medical notes today. I went right back to 1998. My first admission.

Several things struck me, most notably how stubborn I was in those early years. I did not stick to medication and I especially did not want anti-psychotics. I would cancel or not attend my psychiatric appointments. I slipped in and out of the system as I continuously relapsed with manic psychotic hospital admissions and depression.

My reasons were very clear to me. I was not trying to be difficult. I had some strong personal beliefs about my condition, psychiatric medicine and the circumstances which led to my first admission. These beliefs polarised me away from traditional, mainstream psychiatric thought and practise. My stance at the time was steeped in a personally constructed spiritual framework. I was not led by or part of any organisation or cohesive group. No specific individuals actually directed me to think the things I did. Any influences by anyone else were subtle and subject to my interpretation. This framework was an evolution of entirely personal experience. It was built from ideas and concepts which I studied and followed into a state of belief.

Holy Ordering


To understand someone's spiritual beliefs when they differ from ours, requires a genuine willingness to consider alternate opinion and depending on the depth to which understanding is sought, potentially rather a lot needs to be known about that person. I think I would have to write a full auto-biography to fulfil requirements for that purpose!

In a neat nutshell for accessible comprehension, the main influences you could ascribe to this personally constructed framework would be a New Age mixture. There were some Christian, Spiritualist and  Wiccan elements too.

On the surface it might have appeared a bit of a pick and mix selection, although it was not built with any kind of casual approach. Far from it.

The Goddess Speaks !


In January 1998 when I was first admitted to psychiatric hospital, I was escorted in dressed and made up immaculately. I was perfectly calm and composed. Eloquently with great dignity and patience I explained that I was a goddess who had come to bring enlightenment to everyone on Earth. I said I had ascended into a heavenly state whilst still incarnate in a human body and that I had crossed into a parallel dimension of Earth reality to one where my spiritual teachings were to be given. I also told them I had travelled through time to be there. I assume I gave the nurses a very interesting evening …..although they are more than used to people in states of acute psychosis.

My consultant psychiatrist wrote that I was:-

feeling extremely happy, felt that she had special powers and that she had been given a special mission to show the world a new spiritual way.... Miranda felt that she was a goddess with healing powers “.



Gradually over the next few weeks whilst on a steady daily dose of anti-psychotics, these beliefs “gradually subsided”.

How I came to be in that state is intricately wound through many complicated events. But I am far from unique in having this kind of “divine revelation” experience. It is surprisingly common. I once met someone who told me a story of when he believed he had become Jesus to such a degree that he got on a plane and went to Jerusalem to the Wailing Wall believing the world would be assembled there waiting for him. I do meet some very interesting people.

The Spinning Wheel


To tell the honest truth and lay it bare, being admitted into hospital on 26th January 1998 was like pricking my finger on a poisoned spinning wheel and falling into horrific sleep where I fought holy and unholy battles.

For 16 years since then I have juggled, grappled and stumbled through nightmares and dreams, depression and elation, I have battled valleys of shadow and dark nights of the soul, sung with angels and touched the white fire of the stars. It has been dizzying, caught in an endless circling web of mania, depression, spiritual revelation, medication and side effects, mental crisis, denial, apathy all without end or resolution in the labyrinth of the mind and soul.

But eventually I found a light. Right in the heart of the dark labyrinth. There was me. The me who
cannot be snatched by devils or overwhelmed by angels. Humble and proud. And free.

After The War

The fibres and filaments of my spiritual, mental, emotional and purely human framework are still as delicate as they ever were but there is a crucial difference. There is a resilience born from a life lived thoroughly and victories hard won. Now, I guide all the strings with complete ownership and responsibility.

Perhaps mainstream psychiatry and New Age subscribers both feel unsure about where I stand on my experiences now. The answer is balance.  Basically,  I have a clarity that serves me perfectly and a system of balance that is healthy. I take medication and I have a very peaceful inner sense of spiritual connection which goes beyond words.

But the way I made through the labyrinth is one I now share and there is substance there that is inspiring and helpful for others.

Just remember what lies in the heart of it. That is what matters.

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HOLY WAR AND PEACE part II  will follow soon and will discuss my
"way through the labyrinth" in more detail , the tools and strategies I use to find a path
of balance and resilience.

" It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours.
  It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell "       - Buddha.

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The term “spiritual emergency” was first coined by renowned psychiatrist and pioneering 
   leader in consciousness research Stanislav Grof in around 1980.

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1 comment:

  1. Great article. We battle, we fight, find tools that help, then we practise them and use them to find a way to deal with these things. To then put these things into words and put them out there is brave but also liberating in my opinion.

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